Natural Ink: Missing Him Again and Other Adjustments

Friday, June 12, 2015

Missing Him Again and Other Adjustments

It's been a little weird since Justin got his job. We went from being with each other just about 24/7 for a bit over a month and we could talk and watch movies and hang out or go grocery shopping, etc., and he helped me out with Emmy a lot and now things have gotten shaken up. It's weird to re-adjust.
He leaves the house for work in the early afternoon and sometimes isn't home until almost midnight - unless they all get food or hang out after work, then it's later. With Emmy, I usually go to bed by 11 because she's up for the day by 7 no matter if I try to keep her up later or not. So lately when he works, we don't get to tell each other goodnight and I don't get to hear about how work went.
When I ask in the morning it's usually just like, "It was OK" or "Slow, but good" which isn't exactly what I'm looking for (a conversation) so that's a little frustrating too.
It's odd having him gone for up to 10 hours some days when I was just settling in to him being around all the time. Now we both have to re-adjust schedules and do things early in the day because most of our evenings aren't free to be together.
He doesn't get to walk Emmy with me anymore, he misses dance recitals and has to leave in the middle of parties, we don't eat supper together anymore. Some nights everyone else is gone and I can't go anywhere because of Emmy and her crate phobia, so I've ended up home alone a lot lately. It's nice sometimes but other times it's just really depressing.
These are all small things when you look at the big picture, I'm aware of that, but for us everything is still so new that I do miss that little routines we had at night.
One other thing I hate to admit is that I'm almost jealous of his new job. It's so perfect for him and he likes it and the people (he got two promotions in one week even!) and here I am, still getting rejection letters from magazines and agents and finding myself at writing dead ends over and over again to the point of thinking of quitting. He found something he loves in just a month of looking and I've been trying for years now to break out of self-publishing with no luck.

It's been hard talking about some things in person because we were a text/phone couple for almost three years and now instead of writing our feelings down (which is always easier than speaking them) we talk about things face to face. When issues come up, I can't just ignore his texts; I have to talk to him about what's going on. And I do, but his responses are pretty short so I just quit talking. Over text he would offer great advice, but in person...I don't know what's going on. That's been harder for him than me, I think. He acted strangely for over a week and finally I asked what the hell was going on and he finally admitted to how stressed out he had been over a job and other things but had been trying to hide it so I didn't worry. He would do things like that when we were still 3,000 miles away but now that we're in person it influences our relationship way more. When he gets really stressed he doesn't talk much so when I kept asking if he was okay and he said yeah, my mind started wandering to the possibilities of why he was actually acting weird. Was it me? Did I spend one too many days in my yoga pants? Is he having second thoughts? And the worst ones: Was there a girl at work? Was there a girl back in California he was talking to?
Our relationship got a little strained during the job hunt and even after he got the job. We haven't talked much lately even though we live in the same house. When we do it's generic small talk that makes me want to rip my hair out. It's just been weird lately, and I don't like it, and I don't know how to fix it.

I'm sure I sound selfish on many levels instead of being grateful for what we do have, and I am grateful, but sometimes it's good (very good) to vent a little about the small things so you can move on and focus on the bigger picture.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Fears

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