Saturday, August 29, 2015
When Everything Changes
This is part LDRBlog post and part vent, I guess. I couldn't, for the life of me, think of anything to write this week. I find myself running out of LDR material the longer Justin is here because I've shift from LDR to in person, so my content is kind of lacking.
But this week's prompt is 'Hopes' and I thought that was pretty fitting.
Justin and I have to move out around Halloween. We've been staying with my parents since he moved here so we could save money and also because of Emmy.
So, a lot is changing soon. I haven't ever officially moved out of my parents' house. Because of my health issues, it makes it really hard to work outside the home and the jobs that are from home are proving to be really hard to find. I'm trying some new ideas out but I know most of the income will be Justin's, which I hate. I was raised to make as much or more than the boys, and my dad always wanted me to be very financially independent. Then came the health issues and that made being financial independent a bit of a dream.
I definitely am feeling the pressure already and find myself withdrawing like crazy, like I tend to do when I'm this overwhelmed. There's so much to think about and consider.
House or apartment? One bedroom or two (three?)? Two bathrooms is the dream. Fenced in yard or not? Suburbs or city? Do we split rent? Does it have appliances? Is Emmy allowed? Is her pet fee going to be as much as rent? How do I pay for all my supplements? Insurance? Food? What color will I paint my cardboard box when I fail and have to live under the overpass?
It's all changing.
I know this has to happen, of course. I just wish I was more prepared financially and, let's be honest, mentally. I don't handle change well and I get overwhelmed really easily. Also having adrenal glands that barely function doesn't make handling stress an easy thing. I break down a lot of small stuff which makes me feel insane, but I can't help it with my hormone levels. So the next few weeks will be...intense, probably.
This is where the 'hope' comes in. I hope everything works out. I hope I find a job. I hope Emmy transitions. I hope I transition.
Part of me is excited for this next chapter of our lives but for now the majority of me is grieving the chapter that is ending. I keep thinking if I made more money that this would be easier, and it probably would be since money is my main stressor right now, but deep down I know that's not true. I have been bingeing on Youtube and pinterest to psych myself up for decorating - hello redone garage sale/thrift store furniture loves, but there's no preparing yourself for huge changes like this. There's no preparing yourself for really growing up. There's no preparing yourself for life where the toilet seat may or may not be up when you go to pee at three a.m., and you may or may not fall in. I'll take the tree money grows on now, please.
Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Hope