When Everything Changes

This is part LDRBlog post and part vent, I guess. I couldn't, for the life of me, think of anything to write this week. I find myself running out of LDR material the longer Justin is here because I've shift from LDR to in person, so my content is kind of lacking.
But this week's prompt is 'Hopes' and I thought that was pretty fitting.
Justin and I have to move out around Halloween. We've been staying with my parents since he moved here so we could save money and also because of Emmy.
So, a lot is changing soon. I haven't ever officially moved out of my parents' house. Because of my health issues, it makes it really hard to work outside the home and the jobs that are from home are proving to be really hard to find. I'm trying some new ideas out but I know most of the income will be Justin's, which I hate. I was raised to make as much or more than the boys, and my dad always wanted me to be very financially independent. Then came the health issues and that made being financial independent a bit of a dream.
I definitely am feeling the pressure already and find myself withdrawing like crazy, like I tend to do when I'm this overwhelmed. There's so much to think about and consider.
House or apartment? One bedroom or two (three?)? Two bathrooms is the dream. Fenced in yard or not? Suburbs or city? Do we split rent? Does it have appliances? Is Emmy allowed? Is her pet fee going to be as much as rent? How do I pay for all my supplements? Insurance? Food? What color will I paint my cardboard box when I fail and have to live under the overpass?
You see?
It's all changing.
I know this has to happen, of course. I just wish I was more prepared financially and, let's be honest, mentally. I don't handle change well and I get overwhelmed really easily. Also having adrenal glands that barely function doesn't make handling stress an easy thing. I break down a lot of small stuff which makes me feel insane, but I can't help it with my hormone levels. So the next few weeks will be...intense, probably.
This is where the 'hope' comes in. I hope everything works out. I hope I find a job. I hope Emmy transitions. I hope I transition.
Part of me is excited for this next chapter of our lives but for now the majority of me is grieving the chapter that is ending. I keep thinking if I made more money that this would be easier, and it probably would be since money is my main stressor right now,  but deep down I know that's not true. I have been bingeing on Youtube and pinterest to psych myself up for decorating - hello redone garage sale/thrift store furniture loves, but there's no preparing yourself for huge changes like this. There's no preparing yourself for really growing up. There's no preparing yourself for life where the toilet seat may or may not be up when you go to pee at three a.m., and you may or may not fall in. I'll take the tree money grows on now, please.


Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Hope

How Twitter Gave Me A Boyfriend

I've talked off and on about how Justin and I met, but I've never posted his version of it. I thought it would be cool to do both our sides it for this week's LDR post and give you guys a little more of a look into how we met because I know some people in his life back in California don't have the real story and some people that follow us along here don't really know the story at all.

Him: It all started with a discussion on Twitter. Authors Maureen Johnson and Stephanie Perkins talking about sexism in marketing with books and their covers and how stories containing romance are almost exclusively marketed toward women. Me, being a feminist and romantic, got involved in the conversation and they retweeted some tweets of mine about how I love stories about romance and it got a bunch of responses and I got a couple of new followers. one being Brittany. I followed her back and found her charming as hell. Adorable, and funny. She tweeted about having an anxiety attack and how nobody was helping her feel better, so I sent her some mental exercises in a link and gave her some kind words to help out since I too suffer from anxiety and empathized with her. She was amazed that a complete stranger would offer more help than anyone close to her. I decided that I would help her as much as I could whenever she needed it. We talked more and more, joking, flirting, and having much deeper conversations. I felt happy with her. I felt like she was actually listening and if I had a problem, she would help me. I was falling for her, and hard. My relationship at the time was coming to a much-needed close. Brittany was there for me. She didn't blame my anxiety and depression on me being selfish and wanting attention, like my then "girlfriend" did. I felt happy with her.  We started talking everyday and getting closer. I don't remember exactly how it went down but we decided to date. We had so much common and connected so well. That's just the beginning, of course, but that's a story for another day. 

Me:  I had been having a rough couple of months after seeing one of my best friends die. I had been drinking a lot and kind of drawing into my own shell and just wasn't doing great mentally. One way of escaping my own mind was to read, and I had heard a lot about Stephanie Perkins so I picked up one of her books and fell in love with her writing style. She led me to Maureen Johnson (apparently they're besties - how do I get in on that club?) and I read a couple of her books and also fell in love there, so I followed them on Twitter and didn't think much of it. A couple of weeks later I was up really late, not able to sleep, and checking Twitter and saw the discussion about their books being marketed towards girls and in all their retweets about the discussion there was one boy. The tweet read: "I'm a boy and I love love stories." I thought, How cute and clicked on the guy to see who had said that. I saw his picture and thought HE'S cute and I liked his feed, so I followed him kind of at random. He followed me back the next day and I honestly can't explain it, but I just had this voice in my head that kept going "Talk to him. Tweet him. Get to know him. You need to do this" which was weird because I wasn't very active on Twitter (I'm still not, sorry!) and most people I talked to were people that were not strangers. I pushed that thought aside some and carried on with my days, secretly checking his feed and liking his posts. One really rough night I was having a panic attack and I tweeted about it and, to my surprise, he quickly replied to me with some suggestions on how to help. I was a little stunned because most people in even my day-to-day life didn't help when I had a panic attack. They either didn't know what to do/say or how to help so they did nothing, or they told me to have another drink (which I usually did at the time). So for a complete stranger to offer his help was baffling, but much needed and appreciated. He helped a lot and kind of broke the ice between us. After that I kept finding ways to talk to him. At the time, he had a deaf dog so I tweeted him about teaching her sign language since I had taught several dogs strictly hand signals. After that we talked about small, random things and I found myself having the biggest crush on his mind. It wasn't until weeks later when I found out he had a kind of girlfriend but they weren't doing well at all (y'all have heard the horror stories about that bitch) and he couldn't wait to be rid of her. I didn't want to be any kind of rebound so I backed off some while he worked through that breakup - which didn't take long since they had been having problems for so long and he had been done with the relationship mentally for months - even before we 'met.'

We kept talking more and more and it was probably 3 months later (my crush was insane by this point) when he told me there was another girl there in California that he liked, but he also liked me so he wasn't sure what to do. My heart dropped and I thought, Of course. Of course there's a girl there. THERE. Not 3,000 miles away like I am. Of course this would happen. 

He was a little distant for a few days, I assume working out the feeling between the two of us, but then told me he liked me and felt we had something that neither of us could really explain, so he wanted to keep talking to me and me only. He started pulling me out of my shell and out of the deep depression I had been falling into. He cared about me, he listened, he made me feel amazing and important.

From there it slowly progressed into neither of us wanting the other to date other people and hey, we actually really like each other and...why don't we give us a try? We admitted those feelings to each other on May 24 (which is now our decided anniversary) and decided to date and become a couple. So, thanks, Twitter - and Maureen Johnson and Stephanie Perkins (both of which I've e-mailed about us and thanked them).

<3

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: First Met

The First Fourth of July

 

Fireworks are illegal in California, if you didn't know (I didn't) so when the Fourth of July came up, Justin was super excited to get really good fireworks - legally. He said even the illegal ones didn't do much off the ground. 

We went and got a good bit of fireworks a few days before the 4th - there are stands on every street corner here in Alabama - and let the anticipation of blowing shit up commence.

My uncle, aunt, and cousin from LA came into town so Justin also got to meet them. There's no real way to ease him into this family. We talk about everything pretty openly in this family and from what I understand, Justin's family was a bit more reserved. So when my grandma brought down penis shot glasses and my uncle was talking about BDSM, well, then it was a true family holiday. Justin handled it really well. It was a good day and the family members he met seemed to like him and vice versa. So we all swam and cooked out and drank too much, and then took a break for a few hours to gear up for the fireworks.

Sparklers are my favorite thing about the 4th, so we did those early and then when it was darker we busted out the goods and the lighters and let Justin have some fun.

There was a huge roman candle that he held and it shot off 144 times in a row. We had bottle rocket wars and shot off a lot of other stuff too. He had never experienced a lot of the stuff we got and he was like a kid in a candy store - so adorable.

It was just a good day and a good first 4th of July for him.

It was nice to watch the other neighbor's fireworks together and just enjoy the day together and with some great family members.

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment

Little Photography Adventure

Oddly enough, Justin and I have never been on a real date. Nope. Not one. Unless you count grocery shopping, but I don't. We just kind of fell into a routine at home doing daily things. There was never really a point to "date" when he got here. That doesn't mean date nights don't need to happen in the future, it's just something that hasn't really worked out yet with Emmy and his new work's schedule.
But I do think little adventures are just as fun and as important. I ran errands the other day and on my way home I passed a neighbor that recently got a small herd of horses. I hurried home, grabbed my camera and Justin and off we went to play a little.
There was a donkey in there that wanted to take Justin home. He came up to him once Justin held his hand out, smelled him and just hung out. A couple of the horses ignored us for the most part, but the Palomino (my favorite horse) came up to me (and Justin, once he left his donkey BFF) and let us pet him some. The lip up is my favorite horse expression, so I'm really glad I caught that.
I'm a little rusty with my camera. It's one hobby I've let slip since I got Emmy because I can't take her with me on little day trips because of her car phobia, and I can't leave her in her crate for very long. So I'm limited right now without a pup-sitter. But in the near future I hope to either get out more or be able to take her. I do miss the creative bug biting me.
And Justin really enjoyed it and wants to come along a lot more often. He's not a big picture taker, but he likes exploring as much as I do and likes being a part of things that I enjoy.
< 3

It was nice (and creepy) being alone on a back road with horses (and horses that actually came up to us) and him, just exploring a little and taking pictures. A mid-afternoon mini adventure. Short and sweet and many more needed!

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Date Night

Summertime So Far

 (The background is where it's about here, haha!)

It's nice having Justin here even though he hates the heat (but who doesn't?). It gets hotter than here in California but our humidity is amazing (not really) and we get heat advisories a lot because a 90 degree day can feel way over 100 easily - and you're sticky almost immediately when you leave the house because of the humidity. Don't bother with hair products here. Messy buns all Summer.
It's so cute to watch Justin and Zoe in the pool. She wants him to go to the deep end with her, play with her, throw her (like 30 times in a row) into the water like she's some kind of baby cheerleader. It's nice to see them get along so well. When she's here and he's at work she asks about him constantly and wants to know if she can draw him pictures or when he'll be back or what his favorite color is. So. Cute.

I finally got to go to Justin's work and hang out a little. It was jam packed when I went, no tables left so a lot of people were standing, and really loud because it's a fairly small place and there were a lot of people. I got to meet some of his bosses and coworkers and everyone was really nice. The next morning I woke up to FB requests from some of them. That was weird (in a good way) because when he lived in California, no one wanted anything to do with me. None of his "best friends" (that ended up basically shaming the relationship and never supporting us) ever added me on social media. His sister did (cannot wait to meet her) and then once he moved here some of his now old co-workers added me on a few sites. Not sure why they waited to add me until after Justin moved away.
But his work reuses a lot of local stuff, which I think is amazing. We had an old plant get torn down and this place took the old bricks from the building and built their bar out of them. A lot of wood in the store is either local, reused signs from other places, and I think the top of the bar was made by people in halfway houses who are trying to get back on the right track. I love when things have a story behind them like that.
It's also dog friendly, which is kind of rare around here. Most places will allow dogs outside at a table but never inside the store. Hopefully one day Emmy will be settled enough around the car and strangers and I can take her down there so I can drink and she can mingle.

This has been a pretty crazy Summer so far. Lots of pool parties, grilling out, and having friends over. Friends that haven't met Emmy, that is, so most of my 'party time' has been wrangling her and explaining that she's growling out of fear not aggression. It's so stressful and embarrassing to have a dog I can't seem to control. She barks/bays nonstop for minutes at a time and it gets on everyone's nerves since they're over to have fun and relax - not get barked at constantly by a dog who refuses to be quiet and listen. Beyond frustrating and I feel that no one really helps me with her when I need it in moments like that. Everyone ends up almost yelling at me and asking why I'm not doing anything - but I'm TRYING so damn hard and nothing seems to work. Didn't help that Justin worked during those crazy moments so I didn't really have any backup. It's just hard to handle her alone all the time. I feel like such a failure with her almost constantly. Does this get better?

Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness

A Little Bit of Luck

Since Justin got here his main stressor has been a job. It took a month which, I think, was pretty quick considering the economy and the field he wanted, etc., but he thought that was too long. It was pretty cool how it all worked out. I'm a huge believer in "everything happens for a reason" and this seemed to be one of those moments.
First of all, you should know that Justin is a huge beer nerd. Like, huge. The boy knows everything about everything beer. Talking to him about beer is like talking to me about dogs. That conversation will go on for hours.
So, when he moved here he really wanted to work at a brewery or a beer shop and not go back into the food industry that he had been in back in California. So, he applied at a couple of breweries and had an interview at one but they hired someone else. He was really bummed about that so he found a local upscale bar that was hiring a lot of people. It was food industry, so he didn't really want to work there and I didn't want him to be stuck in a job he hated.
He interviewed there, they loved his resume and asked him in for a second interview. Meanwhile, I found a few more beer-related places he hadn't checked out yet. He went in for the second interview and, surprise, the guy had the day off - and forgot to call Justin.
So he left, pissed that he wasted his time because someone forgot to call him, and headed to one of the places I found, a bottle shop.
Enter...fate? Coincidence? Destiny? Whatever you want to call it.
The bottle shop had been opened for one month and the guys hadn't hired help yet. They were all pushing 80 hours a week and were in dire need of help. In fact, the next day they had planned to post that they were hiring.
They liked his resume, but what really sealed it was all his beer knowledge. Everyone there clicked, he absolutely loves the shop and today is his second day of training - work starts next week!

I just love how odd it all was. The timing, the lack of that second interview at the bar (which I know he would have taken and hated), the bottle shop in need of help, just everything. So amazing. So he has a job and so far it's perfect and he's super in love with it.


Meanwhile on my end, I never mentioned that I've been on trial basis with a publishing house doing reviews for the submission department. I found out the day after Justin got his job that they're keeping me on after the trial basis - so I have a job now, too! My income will be based on how many books I review and how long the books are, but it's something. It's in my field, I'm getting paid to read, I love it, and I'm making more than I was before this so I'm pretty excited.

Two jobs in two days - both jobs we wanted. So grateful!


Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Defining Moment

A Month in Alabama

Today marks one full month that Justin has been in Alabama - wow. I could post about how this month has been for me, but I thought it would be more interesting - and better fitting - if I had Justin write out what it's been like to live in Alabama for a month. After all, he's gone from a California city where he could walk almost everywhere to my small Alabama town where you could walk to the post office but it would take you like an hour - you have to drive everywhere. He's gone from city lights to fireflies and constant sirens to neighbor kids laughing in the quiet neighborhood. I'm sure it's been a big adjustment, but he seems to be handling it well and I can't wait to read what he writes.

So, let's see...

-

Today marks my first month in Alabama and what a month it has been. New people, new places, and so many stores I've never heard of. But best of all, I'm with my wonderful girlfriend. It's surreal, in a way, finally being together. I still find myself thinking it's a dream or forgetting I'm not getting back on a plane and going back to California. I'm here for good. We're together at last and I love it! She's been so supportive and helpful with me adjusting. She even cleared out a drawer for me in the bathroom! Things haven't been going 100% how I would have liked them, though. I hoped to have a job by now and be able to support us, but that's proven to be far more difficult than I thought. It's my biggest stressor. I think about it constantly and it makes me feel like a failure. But then there she is, hugging me and telling me it'll be OK. If it wasn't for her, I'd be going insane. I've had a few interviews, including one tomorrow. I just hope it works out. But I know that no matter what, she has my back. I'm excited for the future. I'm excited for OUR future. I'm so happy to feel like part of a family again. And her family is amazing. Her parents are awesome and supportive and helpful. I'm endlessly grateful for them letting me stay with them while I get everything situated. I'm also glad that they like me. That's a very good thing. It's such a great feeling, being able to hold Brittany and be there for her when she's anxious or sad. I love being together. Little things like grocery shopping and cleaning mean so much more because we're together. I love being able to surprise her with flowers in person, rather than having them delivered. I can go on forever about this stuff, but it would never convey how much I love being with her. This move has been long overdue and even though some things aren't going as planned, I will never regret it. I'm with the woman I love and so happy. I can't wait to see what the future holds.

Happiness from 3,000 Miles Away

Ideally, making someone happy from 3,000 miles away shouldn't be the easiest thing. But in my LDR I found myself the happiest I had been with a guy. I had been in very not-so-great relationships before I met Justin. But from the start, we just clicked. He told me things I needed to hear even when I didn't realize it. He supported me. He was nice. It was all new to me, being with someone nice and that gave a damn. The longer we went being far apart the harder some things got but it also made us stronger. We had to connect on a level where the physical side had to wait. Looking back, I'm really glad we had to. We learned so much about each other and talked and connected on levels that, when visits finally happened, just made the physical side effortless. We knew each other really well before meeting in person and nothing was awkward at all when we were finally together. Communication is, of course, important, but there were a lot of things he did that made (and still make) me happy, even when he was 3,000 miles away instead of, currently, in my kitchen.

He complimented me and not just on the way I looked. He complimented the way I thought, the way I did things, my sense of humor, how I would pull the car over to rescue a turtle, how I would get the neighbor's goat's head unstuck from the adjoining fence. Little things I never thought about and just did were suddenly brought to my attention in a good way. Things that I thought were normal or that most people would do, he would tell me I'm the only person he knows that would do them (which is kind of a bummer when it comes to rescuing the turtles) or that I was literally the kindest person he knew (also a bummer - why aren't people nicer?).

He sent surprises. Everyone likes presents, but when you're having a really, really shitty week and the doorbell rings and it's a dozen roses from your boyfriend 3,000 miles away who sent them just to cheer you up, well, you know you've met someone amazing. He never had to send anything. I never asked. I never expected anything, really. In his life, he doesn't celebrate much, so when he would send flowers or other things with no occasion it meant so much to me.

The distance didn't mean no happiness. It just meant a more creative happiness. Movie dates over the phone, dinner over Skype, sending pictures of things we came across during our day. There were tons of little things we did to stay connected. Being long distance is not a death sentence. It's just a way to think outside the box when it comes to your relationship. And I think we did pretty good considering how things have worked out. Did I mention he's in my kitchen right now? <3


Inspired by this LDR Writing Prompt: Happiness